Monday, August 11, 2008

blisters from my birkkies and other inane tales.

these things are not supposed to happen. i shall sue the bastards. i thought birkenstocks were the most healthiest shoes on the entire planet. so how come i got blisters then?

maybe my feet are simply too sinful for them.

my car is home. smooth. faultless. and alive. oh joy. what a magnificent machine, i say.

miranda and i were stopped by the police this morning on our way home, in My Car. the cracked bloody windscreen all over again. yawn yawn. miranda frantically telling me to smile smile smile...she knows how i can be.

(note: the below conversation was all in swahili until the end)

police: cracked window. got to fine you. (both heads stuck through mo's window and me smiling like a mental person)

me; (smiling some more and looking prettily helpless like we allegedly and unconsciously - OF COURSE - train ourselves to do ... i rather think it's cunningly contrived, the helplessness thingy) um oh yes indeed officer, it is. um. cracked. clearly. ahem.

police: well. how did that happen?

me: oh you know those big blue trucks, loaded with stones?? well one stone fell off the truck and hit my, near coffee lodge. late one evening. excuse me officer? the police report? oh dear. yes yes lost of course. (ssssssssssmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiling away)

police: when did this accident happen?

me: oh um about, um, eergh...

police: a few years ago? hah hah. you are so busted and we are going to fine the hell out of you.

me and mo: righto then. yes yes of course. on our way to ikwans anyway so no problem we can pop into the police station en route. (mo grappling around with the lock on the back door smiling all the time) what a fabulous idea hooray... ( really really smiling a LOT now with teddy bears picnic music playing in the background)

oh blah blah blah..they let us go with a warning, us smiling like two escapees from the looney bin, smiling insanely until our cheeks hurt, whilst they gargled on in swahili about something pertaining to presents in a chinese restaurant and milk? LOTS of milk? our swahili fortunately failed us in the translation. it was beginning to sound, well, sordid.

had a boozy sunday christening yesterday. i felt so honored as was asked to sing a song during the ceremony. i chose angel from Montgomery (a john prine song, my favourite version sung by bonnie rait) which is a song close to my heart. and i think one of hope yet cuttingly real. of course i was as nervous as a pig on the way to the abattoir. for two reasons: i worried that the cowboy song wasn;t entirely appropriate and also, obviously, that i wasn't up to the task of singing solo in front of people i know, mostly. i alleviated this with the odd swig from a mini tequila bottle hidden amongst the christening gift, my new little elegant handbag and my one and only lipstick. my voice wobbled emotionally about quite a lot. first born said it was ok but a bit embarrassing when i closed my eyes and sort of threw myself about in a rolling stones fashion, near the alter. rubbish.
i was particularly proud of little natalia who, unlike her sweet brother, adamantly refused to be anointed. she squirmed about in her father's arms saying " i won't i won't i won't!" anointed she was not to be, short of tying her down, which would have been really embarrassing and not to say, unequivocally unfair.
after the ceremony, i proceeded to get pleasantly and entirely drunk. yesterday was a lazy sunny sunday of blessings, good friends and most excellent champagne, wine, food and inspiring conversations about which i have vague recollections. apart from the one about chocolate brown underwear. it was particularly unforgettable. or forgettable, if you were me.

obviously fashionably underweared person recently returned from america and latest victoria secret shops: " know, there are so many unusual designs and COLOURS out there now... you know, not your usual tan and black.." while i quickly tucked away my rude black bra strap and widened my eyes in solemn interest

me; " or flaming red..." uncomfortable pause, " oh."

never knowing when to go home i continued, "well everytime i have worn my flaming red bra i have had an outrageously good time.. . . oooergh, sorry um, what were you saying?"

keep up, janelle, keep up. godsakes.

anyway. chucked out that old bra years ago....

where are my birkkies?

Kitchen Board: Monday Evening: 11 AUGUST 2008.(actually this was taken last night. its more interesting. tonight's is blank and kind of pointless)

Contributors: Veronica, the illustrious Ms Natasha Illum Berg and one Daniel Doria

Comments: you know, they just can't take me and my blogging seriously. . .

toodely pip and xxx bisous xxx janelle


tam said...

Hahaaaaaaa! love the grinning loons.
love your blog. it lifts me every time.
kisses and misses.

john.g. said...

Good job the thong wasn't showing!

tut-tut said...

Angel from Montgomery is a song on my internal sound track!

I was once stopped by the police here for speeding; I had no shoes on (a no-no) and no license on me! Luckily L (then a little child) was belted up in the back seat, which I think earned me some points. Lots of smiling worked in that situation too . . .

ciara said...

i've never been able to get out of a ticket...darn it! funny post :) sometimes birkies just HURT lol

Janelle said...

ah tam tam...thanks...happy its uplifting for you! yay!

john g...thong? THONG?

tut tut - you see? Angels and smiling makes the road much smoother...! HAH!

hey more man! thanks for visiting and glad you found it funny...its meant to be!! XXX janelle

Reya Mellicker said...

Cars and police officers are all the same everywhere. Is that a good thing?? Hmmm .... Makes them predictable, at least.

As for birkies, they always hurt my feet, as do Nikes. I wear Chaco's instead.

Bandaids for your blisters, please? Also if you should develop a need for scarlet undies, let me know. I can swing by Victoria's Secret and put them in the post to you asap.

Janelle said...

ah you sweet thang!! thanks reya! and am posting an album to tut tut this week. will pop one in for you too..and tut can post it on from there. xx janelle

lorix5 said...

crying got me out of a ticket! the first time, we were pulled over by a tanked mexican federal,he took forever with ?'s so my baby started crying, passed up to me by my other kids,wailing getting worse. Intimidation and threats(fines, jail)stopped, the automatic rifle dropped, he mumbled something about the nino, looking ashamed. And he walked away. We all can't believe our good luck. So...the next time traveling through Mexico when we get pulled over(and you always do if you have california licence plates and surfboards on top of the car)we go through the same thing but this time baby doesnt cry so i do.It works. Maybe because i have a baby on my lap. We repeated this with the next 4 of our babies(i'm not making it up,mexican federalies like to pull over cars)(alot)and it worked everytime. The kids got to know the drill.
Oh, try Earth Shoes. Most comfortable shoes on earth. Did i miss something? an album?

Janelle said...

hey lorix! heh heh! great comment..yeah crying works a treat apparently! earth shoes? and YES an album...send me a post box.will send you one...working on second album now...just a folksy cowgirl really...hah. thanks for stopping by! xx janelle

Eliza said...

Hey there, just back from the UK (fab) and bought a pair of the bloody ... (B word, colour of mocca) know what, they killed my feet. Couldn't believe it for the same reasons as you. We are an anomaly :)
Hope all well your side. Back on the mountain, and happy, and unpacking all those goodies that you tend to smuggle back and which keep you going for a while. All good, E xxx said...

i got so sick of being stopped by the cops on my school run that one morning after too little sleep and stopped again i stuck my head out window before they could stick their heads in and roared, like a fishwife, about how sickandbloodytired i was at being stopped for absolutely no reason. I ranted on blah blah blah until I ran out of breath (and rants, obviously). The cops looked at me with mouths open: ''we only wanted to say good morning mama'', they said.

Love the bra story. So me. So not knowing what one ought to be wearing when everybody else clearly does x

Diana said...

With all the bringing your car back from the dead they didn't repair the windshield??? Excuse me while I roll laughing on the floor.

Every time I smile today, I shall do so like a lunatic, in your honor.

Diana said...

With all the bringing your car back from the dead they didn't repair the windshield??? Excuse me while I roll laughing on the floor.

Every time I smile today, I shall do so like a lunatic, in your honor.

lorix5 said...

my pleasure...stoppin by... it's fun here! i checked back a few pages and found your email address. I really need some new music as I took my daughter to see Mamma Mia and now have ABBA stuck on repeat in my brain. Oh Reya, you are right about Chacos, another great shoe!

Lynda said...

Hi Janelle, I found your blog through ReluctantMemsahib a while ago, & thought I'd better stop lurking & say hi ! I love your blog, your easy writing style & the way you descibe life here ... soooo true & your sense of humor is excellent & one I can relate to. (I think anyone who lives here long term has got to be just a little bit crazy, hey ?!)
Bye for now
Lynda, West Kili

Mickle in NZ said...

Opening shot from a ladybird book, right? Named "The Policeman".

I don't have that one but do still have The Farmer, The Miner, The Fireman.....Shopping with Mother, Telling the Time. Oh dearie, dearie me. My sis tells me they are now collectors items.

Huggles from a soggy winter, xxx

Janelle said...

hey diana! hope you didn;t go too looney on the smiling malarkey! x

lori - thanks for the email.!~ will be answering soonest! yay! great pics too! x

lynda hi! actually perused your blog last night. your side is much more lush than this side of the mountain for sure...delicious recipes..wish i was a better cook! xx

and mickel! indeed. ladybird but this one with a Twist, if you read the small print! HAH! hope it warms up soon for you! xx janelle

Janelle said...

anthea and eliza..just left you locals last hey. jeez. rude man. glad you are back near the mountain eliza. karibu.
and anthea yeah - that sometimes works..just losing it completely...! hah. xxx janelle

Bush Mummy said...

Fantastico.. great post..

Am still giggling..

BM x

Ernest de Cugnac said...

yes, the twist in the book, v funny. as you are. liked the police thing, but come on! can't be an uncracked windscreen in the whole country can there??? what's the gripe or is that how they fund the national debt?

Ernest de Cugnac said...

ps - what's that scary fart bubble still doing on your blackboard? Wipe it off, right now!

Jocelyn said...

John Prine AND Birkies? I have so much come to the right place.

It's not hard to be too sinful for a pair of Birkenstocks, as they are ever morally righteous.

Miranda said...

Hello? Okay loved this blog, but time for a new one please....come on. prod prod.

Miranda said...

I mean this post

Janelle said...

thanks Bush Mama! Glad you still giggling...xx
and ernest - indeed. it they fund the frigging national debt..i tell you. the car is going in this week for new windscreen.
and ps fart bubble gone. finally. xx
and jocelyn hoorah! john prine and me in birkkies...hah! thanks for visiting. xx janelle

and mo yesyes new postcomin' - just lots of BAAYD THANGS been a happenin down in the valley...but guess they shall have to be blogged we go...glad you back darlin'! XX JANELLE said...

excuse me. stop pretending you got better things to do than write stories for us. i agree with miranda. big fat sharp prod. x