(pic by safari craig - lake natron 2008. http://www.craigdoriasafaris.com/)
the fever has gone. and so has my voice. completely.
the kids of course, love it. they say i am being so nice.
well. it's because i can't shout at them. like i normally do.
and when i do (try and shout at them) they laugh kindly at me and say i sound like a sweet little old granny. frankly, i hear the german man. remember him? oooergh.
god. it's so frustrating.
i am taking this voicelessness as a sign from the ever responsive Universe that it's time to shut the eff up and listen.
hey ho. and that's precisely what i am doing. what do i hear? what do i hear?
the wind. i hear the wind. and everybody wanting something.
how do i say it? i am in a deep blue place. a nothing place. where peoples mouths move and i don't hear the words. oh no. that's me isn't it?
the kids are back at school. i am not sure about mr shaw (for you DD), gabby's teacher. the classroom looked all dark yesterday. oh school is such a drag. it really is.
and i ALMOST started teaching again!? i had even said YES to the headmaster. on saturday (2 days before school started!?) because he is a total sweetheart. (school started yesterday being monday). the year 4 teacher from england pulled out at the last minute. the headmaster was desperate and asked me. of course i said yes. unthinkingly. i like to help out. it's in my nature.
i had a sleepless night that night. after i had said yes. disturbing images of me standing in front of a hopeful class with a pen in my hand and a finger up my nose. an empty head and an empty classroom and not a clue where to begin...where is all the stationery? the chalk? the books? what does one learn in year four..? ok class lets do yoga? and do you know that the universe really is responsive? and look where you ended up. hah! go figure... shall we start on the zen of bunking school instead then? on changing the course of your lives? did you know that school is overrated? righto. lie on the floor and let's listen to some Pink Floyd while we aimlessly wait for the end of the day "we don't need no education. we don't need no thought control blah blah blah...". well. shall we?
what the hell was i thinking????
so first thing sunday morning i phoned the headmaster and said i had had second thoughts. i absolutely had. this was very challenging for me. changing my mind. and letting him know. not easy for me. normally i would have just carried on willy nilly just to avoid letting someone down. for years. toiling away all for a boiled cabbage at the end of the month. to my hugest relief, he was completely understanding and incredibly kind.
my heart and soul did hop skips and jumps and let a million happy celebratory balloons off into their blue starlit skies. whew. that was close. that was a reeeeeeeeeally close shave.
but i say to myself, and some others, that i wimped out. and i think lots of people are secretly disappointed with me. don't you hate that?
and then afterwards, i don't know what happened. i feel blue. i am waiting for it to pass. wait wait wait wait. maybe it's because of my voice. i feel it's more of a dislocation. of sorts.
there is something familiar about this observatory distance between me and my life...looking at my life down a telescope, sort of thing. floating further and further away from it. from myself. i see myself far far across the dusty plains. there i go back to the doldrums of routine...so who is this watching me then? god. don't tell me its the, um, Germ--- aaaargh! no!
anyway. its all rather close to the surface right now. so people. bear with me.
Kitchen Board: Tuesday Morning: 2 September 2008.
Comments: there is only one bulb working. its been like that for weeks. i have a block against bulbs. in the kitchen.
toodely pip and bisousbisousbisous xxx janelle