Wednesday, November 12, 2008

blank blogging bollocking brain

i feel pressurized to post. everyone else seems so fruitful. except um, miranda. where art thou? i know you're in zambia but it's no excuse. really. it's pathetic.

mr and mrs god from the god diaries? ernest, i see you are preoccupied with more esoteric things like wild mushrooms and fairy circles and things but hell, mr god has realms to run, you know, so hurry up will you....? next posting please. and helllllllooooooo? TPE???...educ edjew oh god? where are you, oh slothful ones?
oooergh. once again. bloggers block.

ho hum. yawn yawn.

hmmm. the rain. been there done that. stretch stretch. scratch. scratch. dangerously umwhimsical. Basic.

the cat got spayed. poor thing. staggering around the house with a bucket thingy around her head to stop her pulling stitches out. in the mean time, crazy wild little kittens bouncing off the walls in all directions. it's wonderfully mad. dropping like butter balls from the stairs...

i have another boil. on my elbow this time. at least not on my eye. like when i was in zanzibar and all the honeymoon couples thought i had been socked by my partner, the one from whom i had obviously run away to the beach, to escape the monster. i read thought bubbles. oh. and they all looked so smug and self righteous, lying on those sun loungers, the bride in her new bikini (one for each day) sipping cocktails and smirking at each other. like they got it so made. so i wished many children upon them. until i conjured up an entire flock of storks, wheeling above the beach as i escaped sniggering to the bar. i think i even slept in the pradas. the sunnies which are of jackoe o roundness and proportion. i adore them they hide my eyes, my wrinkles and half my face. i really looked hideous with the boil in my eye. i think i was even scaring the kids...about the malapas (flip flops ) which they had found in the forest behind our palm i just casually asked if they knew it was an ancient burial ground?
no mama. its NOT. (says oldest)
it is! ask anyone here...then laughingly added, be careful the dead man's malapas don't follow you, a dead man's step, piff poff softly behind you down the beach.
i was only joking. my oh my they got into a complete panic. the two youngest crying and imploring the french honeymooners to save them from their mother. they looked fleetingly concerned. for a nanosecond. i almost had to call an armed security company to escort us back along the beach to our banda, the kids were so terrified and wouldn't trust me for a minute that i wouldn't start it again. i really didn't want to confess at that point that i was infinitely more terrified by my own tale and vile imagination, than they were... i have never implored that much ever. ever. good spook idea though. hooah.

a detox is being planned. for next week. i am tired of boils. the blood needs to be cleaned. i shall be drinking parsley tea and eating fresh fruit and vegetables and litres of water. for a week. if anyone else has any other wonderful ideas, for cleaning the blood (excluding a complete transfusion), please comment. deeply appreciated in advance.
only after the horse safari, though, the one to west kili this coming week-end.
with carlos and marina and a hoss named santino.
(actually its santiano. so what.)
it looks worryingly stormy over the kilimanjaro region.
nevertheless. on we shall ride regardless. lightening thunder or rain.
i am so excited.

oh yes. how could i forget?

all secondary teachers received a right bollocking from the headmaster this morning. for a full twenty minutes. non stop. he hardly took a breath. have not received a knuckle rapping like that since, ouf, school? a vvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery long time ago. (actually it was more like wet ruler slapping on open hands or on bare back. ow. they were so sore.)
what was it about? the bollocking?
oh. not doing our jobs properly. not going that extra mile. being late. not pitching up for covers. not tightening and straightening ties and blah..of course i was late for the briefing. you could have heard a pin drop when i walked in. ping! everyone stared wide eyed and open mouthed at me. like shocked little owls. so of course, i felt immediately that in fact, the entire tirade was for me. it's this guilt thing i suffer from. even walking through the nothing to declare aisle in airports, i feel and look guilty. standing in supermarket checkout counters...only joking.
do you think everyone felt like me? or was it just me?

anyway. to my hugest relief, apparently it wasn't directed at me. he told me only after i had apologized profusely for being late, for being an impostor, for being me, unthinkingly spilling all my apples. doing the i think she doth protest too much, or however it goes.
but no-one would tell me who it really was for. . . not to press The Big Thing Point Home or anything as childishly pathetic as that....

in a strange way, it was a novel experience. yet vaguely and uncomfortably familiar...normally he is so jolly....?

anyway. socks are pulled wayeeeeeeeeeee up. just in case.


Kitchen Board: Thursday Evening: 13 November 2008.

Contributors: Safari Craig. (alias Morning Coffee In Bed Angel)
Comments: still no cheese. ah well. who CARES?

toodely pip. then. and a basket full of lavender scented bisous to you, you and oh ok, to you too then xxx j


Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

LOL....and I also have the Ladybird Policeman boo...and The nurse, l know the images by heart!! how sad is avid reader

saz x

Janelle said...

aren't they gripping? x janelle

tut-tut said...

Blocked?! I don't think so.

family affairs said...

All I can say is that I am very pleased that PC Plectrum's truncheon and helmet are enormous. Long may they remain so......Lx (word verif = session!)

alex said...

:D:D:D;D..Rosie did a page of these and i thought she'd gone mad until I realised they were a bigger one of these :)
oh you make me laff J!
...and where do you get those sunnies that cover half your face? Do you think you can get full face ones?
and next time the head rants head butt him. I would pay serious money to see THAT!

Dumdad said...

So this is a blogpost when you're in the realms of blog blockedness? Crikey, how long is the post going to be when you unblock?!

Wonderful stuff: keep being blocked if this is the result!

Mud in the City said...

There's nothing like a proper flat out gallop - with the wind in your hair and your eyes streaming with tears - to unblock the blockedness and put some pep into things!

Janelle said...

ok ok ok y'all...i WAS blocked when i started but as the evening rolled onwards, it started flowing again..the being blocked started it all...! actually the headmaster is really sweet...not sure what made him rage...unusual...wasn't me. promise! xxx j

Val said...

hahaha loved this post - the policeman; the flocks of storks, the dead mans footsteps....
and yes i also feel guilty at airports, checkouts - authority phobia i think it is? blame it on the english school system.
brilliant - oh yes i need a po box address - got something for ya

Janelle said...

oh whoopee val...its P O Box 2782 Arusha Tanzania! headed over your way now to see what you been up to...xx xj

Elizabeth said...

Glad to discover your wild blog.
like the description of the cat with the thing round her head.
our cat was the only one in the medina of marrakesh with anything as stylish as that.....
but she was ashamed to go out into the derb

tpe said...

Hey Janelle, how are you doing?

I've just been catching up with your blog - from the beautiful "Ben And The Universe" right through some, frankly, dizzyingly brilliant stuff. I'm knackered simply reading it (in a good way) and so I'd be astounded, really, if you didn't find yourself blocked - or drained, maybe - every once in a while. Goodness me. Your mind is impeccably loopy. That's a compliment, by the way.

But yes. Do you really feel pressurised to post? I hope not. You see that wee thing on your sidebar - the link thing where everyone appears in the order of their latest post, with the most recent coming first? Well, I stole that idea from you and find myself regretting it slightly.

Before, I was happy enough being slothful. Nowadays, however, I have a constant reminder of just how energetically scribbly and productive everyone else is being. So maybe you need to get rid of your sidebar thing, Janelle, or - more drastically, perhaps - your friends.

Us sloths have nothing on our plates to begin with, of course, but we certainly don't need guilt and a sense of gathering inadequacy messing up our days.

Productive people need to stop it. That's all there is to it. We all just need to calm down here and embrace our inner sloth.

That policeman looks real to me, by the way. Sixty-six feet of pure nobility. There should be more of his sort on the beat, Janelle. Crime would drop immediately and we might also, finally, learn what giraffes say to each other. They could be plotting all sorts up there.

Something to bear in mind, anyway. Only, you know, not.

Kind regards from my part of the world to yours....


Reya Mellicker said...

I'm a compulsive blogger, mostly because I like to publish photos every day. Once I get started i can't stop.

My blocks come up in other areas of life, for instance, I am crap at earning money. I scrape by, but if I put my mind to making money as I do with blogging - I'd be rich!!

Oh well ...

Just say CHEESE!!

Reya Mellicker said...

I love the God Chronicles, too.

Dick said...

If I can use the word 'oral' without provoking sniggers, I love the (ahem) oral qualities of this torrential post. Vive le bloc!

tam said...

your posts are always so vivid and spontaneous and lovely. I'm glad your blocks are not real major ones, just like Zambian roadblocks where they stop you just coz they want to chat and then wave you on.

big kisses. enjoy the rain, its belting down here!

Janelle said...

tpe! hello! why thanks so much. yes. you have a point. as i canter around west kilimanjaro later this morning i shall try and stay one with my inner sloth. x j
elizabeth! MARRAKESH? you are a lucky one. new york, the house in marrakesh. wow. x j
reya. you are one of my fave bloggers. always something to leart from you site. and erghum you insight. xx j
dick. yes. well. um. quite!!! thanks! x j
thanks tammy! off on horse safari now...feel SO TIRED. but onwards as they say xxx j

Ernest de Cugnac said...

Ah janelle, you have me dead to rights, as guilty as a puppy next to a pile of poo. I sense that God is getting right pissed off and Mrs G is smilling too brightly: a sure sign of danger.

I loved the policeman, and even his big truncheon and shiny helmet. And how clever of you to wish many children on those smug buggers.

And how could you arrive late to a bollicking!! I could sense your horror.

Jocelyn said...

At least the headmaster's tirade wasn't about teachers with boils.

You'd have been sacked, for sure.

family affairs said...

Now where have you gone? Hope horse safari great and you've shaken your bloggers block off Lx

Anna MR said...

Hello Janelle - much amazingness here at your house, but I need to specifically thank you for bringing PC Brian Plectrum to my attention. I should think the Queen's pleased, too, tucked away in her bedroom but never quite alone.

It sounds (reads) like you've been one busy lady over the Christmas period. I hope it's all gone swimmingly. Best regards from the Arctic (okay, close enough)

A x