when death nudges you, all sorts of things warp into shape. very clearly. things shift and click quite suddenly into place. the final piece of the puzzle. there it is. a complete picture.
Immediate Things are terribly important. don't do anything carelessly. without thought and intention. and attention. and humour. yes. humour. i want to laugh. when i laugh i feel so alive. almost as much as when i cry.
i laughed when i read:
"...a husband is what is left of a lover after the nerve has been extracted..." Helen Rowland. i read it to a teacher at school this morning. she smiled and she said, " my husband is like an antique cartridge. the bullets are all spent."
on sunday i looked at my crumpled bed upstairs and it was suddenly completely imperative that i made it perfectly. no creases. primped up the pillows. hospital corners. it's not that i don't make my bed, but usually i throw it together...because there's always more important and inspiring things to get on with.
at school everything seems so bright. the children walking calmly through the rain. i watched the rain falling. for a long time. i laugh more now like when alfin burst into You Make Me Feel a line too soon..and everyone sniggered and i laughed until i had tears. yes. a little OTT but still. until everyone was laughing, rolling about the hall.
i never drink Bacardi. last night i had three with orange juice. (ok. it was the only thing left in the cupboard). but it calmed the edges. these last few days i have wrapped myself in a mist so i don't come too close to the ones i love most. like the children. the thought of losing them i cannot bear right now. i always manage to push this, my deepest fear, far over the horizon. i feel off kilter yet i feel i see things so clearly. like tam said, the veil is very thin right now. my invisible tentacles are stretched far beyond, over the hills, the vallies, the oceans. i feel. i see.
my ears are filled with music. my nose is buried in books. my eyes are glittering, taking in the world. with very clear and sharp, blindingly bright edges. nothing is going unnoticed. but it's the smallest things. who said god is in the details? an architect, i think. i am measuring every word ever uttered by myself and others - their meanings like tinkling bells around my heart.
i have felt an even bigger shift this time round. more than ever. it's like a trembling energy. a quavering note. perhaps because i am older. perhaps my awareness has increased. my skin feels so thin. my heart is loud. my hunger has gone. the physicality is in balance - on a tight rope. and i am poised with no safety net. it's like something could explode out my chest....
memories of the past are like movies flickering in my head. possibilities loom.
all i know is that in the end it's really only ever about Love.
as Jacque Prevert so simply wrote (and perhaps not really understanding the absoluteness of his words at the time)
"...C'est tellement simple, l'amour."