Monday, November 9, 2009

bonfire night



it rained last night. and rained. gently on the peeling green tin roof. it swept in and out like waves. i lay in the dark listening and thinking. thinking i could hear the grass growing. i slept. i woke. i slept. i woke. and then i was just awake for what seemed like hours. until the grey light crept like a cat through the windows. monday arrived. ever so pearly and grey. ever so slyly.




i've hit the ground running, it seems. at least i'm running and my legs haven't buckled. yet. my mother always told me "the more you do the more you can do." yes. she was right. but my god it's tiring. sometimes. sometimes i want to pull the blinds on the world. to shut it out. to hear silence, white and muffled. and only open the blinds when i am fully re charged. i have no idea how long that would take.




on saturday afternoon i found myself lying on the floor of the office, not thinking anything in particular, but just how cool the floor was. feeling how my spine knuckled itself against the cool concrete. i lay star shaped. until clingy beetle marched in, all medusa like, her rats tails and serpents alive and curling from her beautiful head, and started looking at me askew. and asked if she could look at one of my diaries. she seems to like flicking through the pages finding old receipts and cards but most of all, my funny drawings and curly letters. she stares at them for hours. asking questions. but mostly just staring.


what wires are being crossed, i muse.




i am trying not to be scared about the enormity of nothingness. i am trying not to be scared about x, a young girl in my class. who apparently wants to pull the plug. she is only 14. and so beautiful. but wants to be free from her gold skin. her shiny eyes. her brilliant poetic wit. her smile that would stop more than a thousand ships. hell. helen would be sulking, i tell her, holding her hand.


i saw her at bonfire night, all aglow, all summer evening breezy, all young. we watched the fireworks blaze across the hot november night, with a storm flickering far far away across the steppes. i ooed and ahhed and felt unimaginably happy. until i had a blazing row with first and second born, who promptly stormed off to the car, me storming behind them, with Thing 1 and Thing 2 and Clingy Beetle all silent and wide eyed, sort of stumbling behind. as the last car door slammed shut, Thing 2 erupted into psychotic screaming, volume 15.5. someone had slammed his fingers in the door. by the time we got home, he was fine but first born, second born and i were all in tears. gotta love those nights. the fireworks were unforgettably dazzling and never ended.


i want to know what the eyes of the girl holding the orange lolly pop are telling me. in her twee faux leather orange coat, waiting for the fireworks. . .





Kitchen Board: Monday Night: 09 november 09

it's a round piece of wire to hold the mosquito net in a perfect round circle. in case y'all were wonderin' . . .

toodely old toot, y'all. bisous X.X.X. faintly fragranced with summer orange and fireworks x j


16 comments:

PurestGreen said...

I feel so very dull when I read your posts. I want to walk on the thread of dream-time like this, even when the day-to-day is the main thing to report. You find poetry in everything. I love it.

ewix said...

I hope you still have super red nails.
Bonfire night always brings out the beast in us all.
But I worry about your student.
How electric your life seems
and I'm so very glad it rained.
es, as noted above
your life makes mine see pitifully dull.
Bisous
from NEW YORK
where it is warm

Miranda said...

Janelle, reading your blog makes want to stop writing my stoopid pathetic novel. You make it look so easy - and it ain't! I'm like a - see I can't even think if a simile!

But because I am stubborn old thing I shall continue.

Love your writing, just love it.

Janelle said...

ah shucks, thank Green and Elizabeth and Mo! trying to blog even if its little things...and mo, wow, thanks darlin'!! and keep pushing keys on ya key board...can;t WAIT to read! xxx j

Dumdad said...

Yes, I agree with all the commenters above how you seem to transcend the bloggyness of blogs and move onto a different dream-like level like, eh, like Miranda I can't find the right simile!

fush and chips said...

Brilliant, funny (if not for you at the time) post.

Lori ann said...

Yep, comments here never do it justice, your posts i mean. but hopefully you know what i mean, because you are very special.

so glad to hear it's raining! i hope it continues.

you keep journals? and have a child that's interested? gosh.

Val said...

maybe she is telling you to be careful not to slam fingers in car doors on the way home! oooouch! i did that once and screamed the place down.

i love the clingy beetle

and your blog posts

so much

sorry the fireworks ended in tears

...but life is often like that i guess

hugs to you all xxx

alex said...

she looks like she could be saying "take my lollipop and I will kill you mofo" ..or something like that.. there is defiance in those gorgeous eyes...

love this post J xx

Karen said...

Yes, defiance for sure, but also she looks like she KNOWS you...

Hold onto that girl's hand some more...

I am having a similar craving for quiet. My dept. chair and I e-mailed back & forth like 4 times trying to find a time to meet. In the last e-mail, when we'd gotten it all straightened out, I told her that I want to tell someone: This ride is going TOO FAST.

Hope you have some time to be restored!

Karen

Reya Mellicker said...

i was wondering, thanks for explaining.

Hoping the 14 year old can move forward into another hormonal cycle in which she's willing to hang in there. Sounds frightening.

Glad the rain is falling. Glad for you and your incredible mind and for this blog.

Reya Mellicker said...

Purist Green - I know what you mean, though I don't think any of us are dull. Still, Janelle's life is spectacular.

Janelle said...

thanks everyone for ya comments...and NONE of your lives are dull. that's a ridiculous notion. sending buckets of sunday love xxx j

Janelle said...

away away away with 13. be off with ya...

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