bonfire night

it rained last night. and rained. gently on the peeling green tin roof. it swept in and out like waves. i lay in the dark listening and thinking. thinking i could hear the grass growing. i slept. i woke. i slept. i woke. and then i was just awake for what seemed like hours. until the grey light crept like a cat through the windows. monday arrived. ever so pearly and grey. ever so slyly.

i've hit the ground running, it seems. at least i'm running and my legs haven't buckled. yet. my mother always told me "the more you do the more you can do." yes. she was right. but my god it's tiring. sometimes. sometimes i want to pull the blinds on the world. to shut it out. to hear silence, white and muffled. and only open the blinds when i am fully re charged. i have no idea how long that would take.

on saturday afternoon i found myself lying on the floor of the office, not thinking anything in particular, but just how cool the floor was. feeling how my spine knuckled itself against the cool concrete. i lay star shaped. until clingy beetle marched in, all medusa like, her rats tails and serpents alive and curling from her beautiful head, and started looking at me askew. and asked if she could look at one of my diaries. she seems to like flicking through the pages finding old receipts and cards but most of all, my funny drawings and curly letters. she stares at them for hours. asking questions. but mostly just staring.

what wires are being crossed, i muse.

i am trying not to be scared about the enormity of nothingness. i am trying not to be scared about x, a young girl in my class. who apparently wants to pull the plug. she is only 14. and so beautiful. but wants to be free from her gold skin. her shiny eyes. her brilliant poetic wit. her smile that would stop more than a thousand ships. hell. helen would be sulking, i tell her, holding her hand.

i saw her at bonfire night, all aglow, all summer evening breezy, all young. we watched the fireworks blaze across the hot november night, with a storm flickering far far away across the steppes. i ooed and ahhed and felt unimaginably happy. until i had a blazing row with first and second born, who promptly stormed off to the car, me storming behind them, with Thing 1 and Thing 2 and Clingy Beetle all silent and wide eyed, sort of stumbling behind. as the last car door slammed shut, Thing 2 erupted into psychotic screaming, volume 15.5. someone had slammed his fingers in the door. by the time we got home, he was fine but first born, second born and i were all in tears. gotta love those nights. the fireworks were unforgettably dazzling and never ended.

i want to know what the eyes of the girl holding the orange lolly pop are telling me. in her twee faux leather orange coat, waiting for the fireworks. . .





Kitchen Board: Monday Night: 09 november 09

it's a round piece of wire to hold the mosquito net in a perfect round circle. in case y'all were wonderin' . . .

toodely old toot, y'all. bisous X.X.X. faintly fragranced with summer orange and fireworks x j