why oh why did i even mention it? The Vibrator Incident? ( TVI to which it shall hereafter be referred.) where do i even begin? it seems a quagmire of pitfalls....i cannot win. either way. why didn't i say perhaps i should write about maasai marriage rituals? or elephant poaching in maswa? or Life In Tanzania? or 10 ways to make fairies in jars? no. i had to mention TVI in a momentary, undisciplined lapse of reason.
anyway. not to let all you hopefuls down, there i was one saturday afternoon, buried deep in my novel when "it" caught my eye, lying forgotten in a curtained cupboard next to my bed. (i think the last time it was seen out was by second born who accidentally arrived too early in the morning and picked it up and said "what's this?" holding it next to his ears as if it was a telephone.) it was hurriedly packed away, with me muttering things about de hairing legs whilst slipping seamlessly and purple faced underneath the hyrax rug. it must be said that from that point on it developed a technical hitch, so to speak. it became temperamental, switching itself off at the most poignantly wrong times then waking up at three in the morning, humming happily on the floor. the problem with it, is that it is completely sealed. terribly modern looking. (it has three speeds) you can't get "in" anywhere. to conclude, it hasn't been behaving quite as it should. well. not according to the manual.
so yes. where was i? saturday afternoon, nose buried deep in book ( a detective thriller, just in case any of you start wondering what on earth made me reach out for TV), when i saw it lying there and thought, eh, yeah, well why not ? let me give it a twirl, as a girl does. i pressed the on button. nothing. i pressed it again. nothing. then without warning, it roared into life, speed 10, sounding like a Cessna 206 in a furious nose dive. WTF? it was VERY loud. and dangerously fast. not quite what i was needing just then. i pressed the button for low speed. nothing. i pressed off. nothing. i pressed off again. nothing. did i mention it was VERY loud? in a dead panic i leapt off the bed, my thumb pressed urgently and desperately on the "off" button, on the "slow fucking down and shut up" button. nothing. by now, with a sinking feeling, i realized i had A Situation on my hands. it was furious and buzzed and shook with evil intent. it had a life of its own. it had gone independent. it wanted to shout out from a mountain top: look what SHE does on a saturday afternoon mbwahahahah...
red faced and desperate, i started hammering it against the stair rails to break it. i repeatedly thwacked it against a shelf. nothing. instead it seemed to roar even louder. i wanted to run to the edge of a cliff and throw it away but i couldn't get out of the house. never mind down the stairs....imagine?
"ma? what's that? what on earth are you doing?"
no. no options here but to shut this effing thing up.
i raced downstairs, leaving it barely muffled amongst my socks, dancing horribly around my knickers, to find a hammer. i was going to smash it to death. well. hammer the off button. which i did. but nothing. i then thought of throwing it in a bucket of water but feared electrical complications. nothing for it but to wrap it up in my thickest jumpers and bury it deep in a basket, and pile bag after bag on top of it, the put the whole thing deep amongst my clothes. which i did. i sleep in a loft. on a mattress on a wooden floor. the "wardrobe" is above the bathroom. i rushed downstairs and stood underneath it. an evil hum prevaled, overriding the bee hive in the eaves. but i thought if i opened the window of the bathroom, you could mistake it for a noise from the factory. ....? yes? (hopeful) head cocked and listening........no. no. no. NO. bad idea. when eliza or vero came upstairs to drop the mozzie nets and spray they would hear it and FIND it....i sped off to the kitchen and ever so nonchalantly told them that they didn't have to do my room today. no. no. i would. and shouted at the children to all leave the house immediately and go and play outside for godsakes... you've all been hanging around doing NOTHING. get out get out get out!!!! shoo shoo shoo.
they looked warily at me and said "ma why are you in such a bad mood?"
"i'm not i'm not just go OUTSIDE! now!" i went back to the horror ten minutes later and it hadn't lost any momentum. it was howlin' and a buzzin' and a hummin' with a frightening persistence. what kind of bloody battery do these things have? then i thought " Oh. My. God. it's going to get so hot in there, all wrapped up in wool, It Could Catch On Fire!" i checked it. no. the temperature seemed stable. i muffled it again. if i could have, i would have choked it with my bare hands. instead, i would leave it until the life ran out of it. let things run their course. by now, it was starting to stammer, ever so slightly, but then would roar back to life with an insane revenge. terrible. terrible.
i fled for my daily horse ride, leaving it humming menacingly in the wool jumpers. an hour and a half later, i gingerly stepped underneath it, into the bathroom, and listened. silence. nothing. THANK GOD. i walked upstairs expecting to find a lilac, molten plastic lump but instead i found it perfectly formed but thank baby jesus and angels of the world, silent and still, to my enormous relief.
and that my bestests, is that. i shall NEVER use it again. i shall revert back to simple old fashioned ways.
i now have to find a way to get rid of it. i am not climbing meru or kili. (to throw it off a cliff like in The Gods Must Be Crazy) in any case, if i did throw it off a cliff, i am sure it will be discovered when the aliens come and take over the world a million years from now. they will pick it up and ponder, "hmmmmm. Bozoid Two Six, look what i found? what do you think This is? a telephonic brain reading device?" and mistakenly press the "on" button with their froggy suction fingers. . . . . .they would, in all likeliness, have to laser beam the fuck out of it, while giving each other the "V" sign...
toodely old toot, y'all. bisous X.X.X. thunderingly real ones. x j