Saturday, July 10, 2010

The V Incident....(TVI)


why oh why did i even mention it? The Vibrator Incident? ( TVI to which it shall hereafter be referred.) where do i even begin? it seems a quagmire of pitfalls....i cannot win. either way. why didn't i say perhaps i should write about maasai marriage rituals? or elephant poaching in maswa? or Life In Tanzania? or 10 ways to make fairies in jars? no. i had to mention TVI in a momentary, undisciplined lapse of reason.


anyway. not to let all you hopefuls down, there i was one saturday afternoon, buried deep in my novel when "it" caught my eye, lying forgotten in a curtained cupboard next to my bed. (i think the last time it was seen out was by second born who accidentally arrived too early in the morning and picked it up and said "what's this?" holding it next to his ears as if it was a telephone.) it was hurriedly packed away, with me muttering things about de hairing legs whilst slipping seamlessly and purple faced underneath the hyrax rug. it must be said that from that point on it developed a technical hitch, so to speak. it became temperamental, switching itself off at the most poignantly wrong times then waking up at three in the morning, humming happily on the floor. the problem with it, is that it is completely sealed. terribly modern looking. (it has three speeds) you can't get "in" anywhere. to conclude, it hasn't been behaving quite as it should. well. not according to the manual.


so yes. where was i? saturday afternoon, nose buried deep in book ( a detective thriller, just in case any of you start wondering what on earth made me reach out for TV), when i saw it lying there and thought, eh, yeah, well why not ? let me give it a twirl, as a girl does. i pressed the on button. nothing. i pressed it again. nothing. then without warning, it roared into life, speed 10, sounding like a Cessna 206 in a furious nose dive. WTF? it was VERY loud. and dangerously fast. not quite what i was needing just then. i pressed the button for low speed. nothing. i pressed off. nothing. i pressed off again. nothing. did i mention it was VERY loud? in a dead panic i leapt off the bed, my thumb pressed urgently and desperately on the "off" button, on the "slow fucking down and shut up" button. nothing. by now, with a sinking feeling, i realized i had A Situation on my hands. it was furious and buzzed and shook with evil intent. it had a life of its own. it had gone independent. it wanted to shout out from a mountain top: look what SHE does on a saturday afternoon mbwahahahah...


red faced and desperate, i started hammering it against the stair rails to break it. i repeatedly thwacked it against a shelf. nothing. instead it seemed to roar even louder. i wanted to run to the edge of a cliff and throw it away but i couldn't get out of the house. never mind down the stairs....imagine?

"ma? what's that? what on earth are you doing?"


no. no options here but to shut this effing thing up.


i raced downstairs, leaving it barely muffled amongst my socks, dancing horribly around my knickers, to find a hammer. i was going to smash it to death. well. hammer the off button. which i did. but nothing. i then thought of throwing it in a bucket of water but feared electrical complications. nothing for it but to wrap it up in my thickest jumpers and bury it deep in a basket, and pile bag after bag on top of it, the put the whole thing deep amongst my clothes. which i did. i sleep in a loft. on a mattress on a wooden floor. the "wardrobe" is above the bathroom. i rushed downstairs and stood underneath it. an evil hum prevaled, overriding the bee hive in the eaves. but i thought if i opened the window of the bathroom, you could mistake it for a noise from the factory. ....? yes? (hopeful) head cocked and listening........no. no. no. NO. bad idea. when eliza or vero came upstairs to drop the mozzie nets and spray they would hear it and FIND it....i sped off to the kitchen and ever so nonchalantly told them that they didn't have to do my room today. no. no. i would. and shouted at the children to all leave the house immediately and go and play outside for godsakes... you've all been hanging around doing NOTHING. get out get out get out!!!! shoo shoo shoo.


they looked warily at me and said "ma why are you in such a bad mood?"

"i'm not i'm not just go OUTSIDE! now!" i went back to the horror ten minutes later and it hadn't lost any momentum. it was howlin' and a buzzin' and a hummin' with a frightening persistence. what kind of bloody battery do these things have? then i thought " Oh. My. God. it's going to get so hot in there, all wrapped up in wool, It Could Catch On Fire!" i checked it. no. the temperature seemed stable. i muffled it again. if i could have, i would have choked it with my bare hands. instead, i would leave it until the life ran out of it. let things run their course. by now, it was starting to stammer, ever so slightly, but then would roar back to life with an insane revenge. terrible. terrible.


i fled for my daily horse ride, leaving it humming menacingly in the wool jumpers. an hour and a half later, i gingerly stepped underneath it, into the bathroom, and listened. silence. nothing. THANK GOD. i walked upstairs expecting to find a lilac, molten plastic lump but instead i found it perfectly formed but thank baby jesus and angels of the world, silent and still, to my enormous relief.


and that my bestests, is that. i shall NEVER use it again. i shall revert back to simple old fashioned ways.


i now have to find a way to get rid of it. i am not climbing meru or kili. (to throw it off a cliff like in The Gods Must Be Crazy) in any case, if i did throw it off a cliff, i am sure it will be discovered when the aliens come and take over the world a million years from now. they will pick it up and ponder, "hmmmmm. Bozoid Two Six, look what i found? what do you think This is? a telephonic brain reading device?" and mistakenly press the "on" button with their froggy suction fingers. . . . . .they would, in all likeliness, have to laser beam the fuck out of it, while giving each other the "V" sign...


toodely old toot, y'all. bisous X.X.X. thunderingly real ones. x j






21 comments:

PurestGreen said...

Oh, I feel for you. Once I was moving house and a vibrator went off in a box. My brother was nearby and laughed and laughed...

Brave move, wrapping it in wool. Would have been a challenge to explain that fire...

Will said...

Ya know, there's a gizmo found in the hardware store, that's about 12" long and 1" in diameter, with one pointy end and it runs on batteries. No no no, it's not that ...

It's pounded into the ground, emits a loud vibrating sound meant to chase away pesky moles and gophers. Maybe you got the wrong product ... or maybe you can sell your indestructible item to a gardener.

Val said...

sorry but that is just hilarious! especially in the telling of the tale...and I'd love to hear the other stories you were going to tell instead. thanks for the smiles xxx

word veri druganke ?

Angela said...

Oh God Janelle, I almost choked laughing. You sure are the funniest storyteller of all (I keep rereading that Zanzibar flip flop ghost man story and giggle every time again). Yes, I`m sure yoù should buy new batteries and chase moles away with this wonderful device!

Spiny Marshmallow said...

That is even funnier than before - I laughed all over again - brilliant

Mud in the City said...

Absolutely fabulous! I do recall a similar feling of panic when I asked a flatmate, many moons ago, to come into my bedroom to help me explain the peculiar noise I kept hearing. Was it the pipes? The hotwater susyem? Some DIY going on next door??

Then the truth struck me. TV going off on its own accord deep in a wooden drawer.

Mortifying.

But it does seem they have a built in sense of humour!!

Carolina said...

ha! too funny!!

nuttycow said...

When I lived in a the house of boys, I kept a very small V in a box of odds and sods by the side of my bed. Hidden (or so I thought). Until one day, one of the lads came in to talk to me, starting poking around, found it and said "What's this? Is it a pen?"

Cue blushes from him and laughter from me.

Janelle said...

heh he PG. yeah. apparently that happens alot at airports through security gates and stuff...heh he..thanks for swinging by. always great to hear from you. XXX j

will/bill - this made me laugh...just the picture of me scaring moles away with That Thing....no. it has been forever banned...and ever and ever. x j

oh val i will tell the other stories...in fact have a better one...solomon breaking the preacher's micorphone on sunday...xxx j

yay pamu...hope you got to beach ok? xxx and that geoff doesn;t have malaria....? xxx

indeed mud...built in kabisa!!! xxx j

thanks for comment carolina...glad you had a laugh...! xxx j


and nutty cow...happy it happens to others too. soooo happy! a PEN???? wtf??? xxx j

Family Affairs said...

That is bloody hilarious. I'm going to have to write about on my blog if you don't mind?? Won't mention on the one I've written about you today just in case you mind....let me know. ha ha ha ha literally snorted my tea all over my keyboard. Lx

Nancy said...

OMG! Holding my sides laughing!

Jon Storey said...

Can I have some of your batteries for my TV remote?

Jon Storey said...

Just taken a few minute to look back through your posts. Wonderful writing and beautiful photographs.

Saz said...

it must be the weather because l posted on similar theme yesterday....though my experience a little more public and not with any of my own toys...(did l make an admission, l think l did)

hilarious post!!!
luv
saz x

Janelle said...

thanks lulu for the starring post on yours! xxx j

glad you laughed lots nancy. nothing quite like it, eh? xxx j

ya know, jon, i would GLADLY give you its batteries if i could bloody well get them out!!!? thanks for reading more on blog! and for visiting. xxx j

oh saz i am SO going over to yours now! hah! thanks for swining by. xxx j

Amanda said...

another time you can write about maasai marriage rituals, but for now i'm glad you mustered up the courage to write about TVI --- did a spit take on the keyboard and laughed so hard i almost peed my pants......

Reluctant Memsahib said...

OMG. too, too funny. too funny. i was told a story recently of assorted women at ann summers equivalent of tupperware party. lots of rabbits and tv's on sale. so they bought. or some bought. and several weeks later reconvened to compare 'tupperware' notes. most demurred and mumbled but one brave soul enquired, 'has anyone else's vibrator run out'? perhaps that's what yours did? death throes?

I really think that'd make the best battery marketing story ever, so much more inventive, not to say colourful than duracell rabbits. sorry. for the rabbits. again. but you get it.

xxx

alex said...

fuckin' hilarious!!!! my sides ache. superb! and is that jake with a harmonica/vibrator in his mouth?

Janelle said...

heh he heh .... thanks for swinging by amanda! xxx j

yes anthea, and i could be the starring role in the ad! xxx j

eh phoebs me old makka...well spotted. indeed it is jake with a harmonica jammed in his mouth...i think it was taken at nsolo early one morning when we were still drunk many many many moons ago. xxxj

Celeste said...

If I didn't know you this story would be pretty funny but because I do it just makes it even funnier because I can just visualize you 'dealing' with the issue and the air turning blue!

I recommend that you invest in a 'rabbit' a la Sex and the City!

Anonymous said...

Janellie, (your lower neighbour here.. wife of hippy wedding guru) the TVI story is the funniest thing I've read in ages, brilliant hilarious writing!
My last V became defunct like yours, (I now have a 'dolphin'- not a rabbit!) luckily it just lost all desire and packed up, it didn't have a mid-life crisis like yours; and I had to find a way to dispose of it. As you know it's not safe to just throw things in bins here in Africa as bin contents get examined and privacy is therefore non-existent. My defunct V was moulded exactly to the shape of a real live thingy, with wrinkles and veins and everything, disturbingly life-like, and it was (mzungu) skin coloured. I decided I had to cut it up to make it unrecognisable, this was possible (though not easy) as it was made of hard (yes hard!) foam stuff with a plastic coating. The problem was that every time I cut it into smaller bits each part still, to my mind, looked like a part of a thingy and in my paranoid frenzy I had to continue cutting and cutting for ages until each bit was only a couple of mm across and still then I believed it would be recogniseable to discerning eyes so I flung the tiny pieces to all the far corners of our plot so that not only would they not be recognised, nobody could ever find them all and glue them together to prove what it was and thus my guilt as an owner of such a sinful device! So if you ever find a tiny pinkish piece of plastic on our hill you'll know where it's from!!