Monday, July 5, 2010

vuvuzelas and evil clamping men...

tan ta rah!

i'm back, blogging babies, from out of space. and it's good to be back, like gary glitter sang.
and did you? did you hang my picture on your wall?


i survived the tsunami. just. almost in one piece. flaked out on an empty wind swept beach near an empty town, sort of wrapped around a sturdy piece of driftwood, like sea weed, staring dumbstruck around me. and one white kikoi stained for life with ceasar's purple blood lying carelessly next to me.

i am sitting on the hill contemplating eight weeks of holidays ahead. how glorious is that? it'll be like all the others. fires at night. riding in wintry mornings and lilac twilights. drinking more hot milo than is sensible and thinking thinking thinking until i fall asleep and before i know it, i'll be back at school and the cushions still won't be covered.

having not written for a while, this might take some practice. do not adjust your sets.

you'd think i'd have a stack of things to say. . . as high as the stack of books next to my bed which i intend to read over the hols. delicious.

maybe it's easier to just make a list:

1. we have a goat. a chief from lake natron gave it to safari craig for a present. lake natron is where the wild things are - wild and windswept and remote. the goat is little and white and bleats. a lot. i suspect it isn't used to this cold hill. it comes from desert country. safari craig isn't here, obviously. the safari season is in full tilt. but he did have the sense to send a message on a cleft stick (ok from his sat phone) warning me of its arrival and saying to please not eat it until he gets home in when, september? daughter is appalled at the thought and would've quickly become heidi on the hill in no time. so i have moved it to the otherside of the hill. near nyamuhanga's house. in order to save it from sure death - by wrapping a vuvuzela round its ears. oh that's next item.

2. the vuvuzelas. . . what hideous inventions. i confiscated the yellow one today with more than vague threats of violence to the next sub adult who sounds one on this here hill. anyway. the vuvuzelas can be buried now that bafana bafana are out and ghana. who cares who wins now.

3.) some *(&^%$ tried to clamp the car in town today claiming i had parked it crookedly. there isn't even a line there, for christ's blinking sake. clingy beetle (3rd born and girl) was marvelous. as the arguing on the street became fiercer along with the swelling crowd, with me threatening to phone "my lawyer" and the shop owner hurling abuse in swahili as fast as a black mamba, her lower lip began to wobble and she began to wail. (with no encouragement from me either like at police road blocks and with border crossing bullying tactics.) the gathering crowd for once was on our side. i managed to furrow my brow and look like evita peron on the stand. and squeeze out a few crocodile tears. i furiously stammered at the crooked clamping man "now look what you've done. you've made the child cry!" the hairdresser looked out from her dukka and said "call your lawyer. call your lawyer." the evil clamper eventually relented. either because all his cronies had done a runner and he faced the crowd alone or because he had a heart. i like to think it was the latter.

we headed straight out of town after that, swearing we wouldn't ever go back, bought a teddy bear from mohammed's store near home and had a sobering few cups of coffee.

yes. so i'm back.

this feels weird.

next time i'll write about love and The Vibrator Incident.

toodely old toot y'all, bisous X.X.X. wintry by the fire ones. x j


Elizabeth said...

So glad you are back and your holiday looms before you
you MUST do the cushions --imagine how virtuous you will feel.....
100'F here today in tame NY

So glad you won over the evil clamping man....
well done clingy B for aiding the cause

Buster the dog sendshis best to you all

nuttycow said...

Happy holidays and well done for taking a stand against the clamper.

You must take small child out with you at all times now to act as a deterrent. Either that, or record her crying and sell it as an alarm. You'll make millions!

Amanda said...

congrats on taking a stand against that clamper idiot and your evita worthy performance. and telling him he made your daughter cry was the ultimate coup de gras.

oh god. vuvuzelas. we here in the states don't get 'em. i think if someone tried that at a baseball game they'd be dragged out by their hair. but world cup is big here.

love and The Vibrator Incident. hmm....all caps....will await that one with interest. i imagine it beats root canal?

so glad you're back - you were missed.

Miranda said...

Yay! The Vibrator Story. I haven't laughed so hard in over six years, I swear!!

Lori ann said...

Oh dear. i wouldn't last 5 minutes, can't you clone Safari Craig. geez.
I'm exhagerating, i was in similar situations (alone) in Mexico years ago, when meeting up with intoxicated federales. Threatened with jail or some other nonsense, one of my babies would begin crying. That always got to them and i would be set free. Then i would cry with relief.
Glad your back cowgirl.

xoxo & ♥ lori

Family Affairs said...


Have a lovely day - glad you're back AND I'm going to try that hook - how to get more readers....hmmm....leave them with the promise to talk about "the vibrator incident"...Lx

Nancy said...

Glad you're back and your car wasn't towed!

Val said...

great you are back and a great post to kick off with. Love to know what is in your book pile! and well done on facing off the evil clamping man - what a team.
happy days ahead i hope xxV

Dumdad said...

Welcome back (again and again and . . .) Vibrator Incident? You raunchy lass. Reminds me of the joke about the Irish woman who bought a vibrator and knocked all her teeth out.

Just Another Savage! said...

Just in time, I needed that

karen said...

Hi! Great to see you back again.. over the tsunami, although every day seems like a mini tsunami for you!

Looking forward to the promised incident?!!

And happy birthday by the sounds of it for yesterday?

vuvuzela greetings from down here!

Celeste said...

Glad you managed to keep your head above water.
Eight weeks of holiday - what bliss, I would be seriously disappointed if the cushions were covered by the end of it!
Can't wait to hear about the 'vibrator incident!'

soulbrush said...

what a great blog, came over from tessa's blog. as for vuvuzelas i say blah&*^%*%(^*(&^*()&*&

Spiny Marshmallow said...

Oh Janelle great - very funny. Your Vibrator Incident anecdote as you told it the other day had us laughing so hard my face nearly fell off. Enjoy the hols and so glad I am here to see you for a bit of them

Mud in the City said...

Welcome back and happy birthday! Can we hear about the Vibrator Incident soon....please....pretty please??

Mud in the City said...

Welcome back and happy birthday! Can we hear about the Vibrator Incident soon....please....pretty please??

Janelle said...

thanks y'all for lovely lovely promised. The Vibrator Incident. now. be kind. be kind....x j