Sunday, December 19, 2010

sleepless


the very still early hours of the morning woke me up. they did. too still. too muggy. and the single bark of the old dog in the inky darkness. or perhaps it was the whining drone of the mosquito tangled up with the dreaming - someone, something always just beyond my grasp. flights in twilight and passing just beyond reach. whatever. i woke up and couldn't sleep any longer. no matter how hard i tried.

i lie half in half out of the twisted sheet. my inner mind list starts rolling relentlessly stealing my sleep: christmas bonuses for staff, bank accounts, christmas and who's going to cook the ham? in fact, HOW do you cook ham? anxiety about the horses's eye which was swollen like a balloon yesterday. manyara bush? cobra spit? i need sawdust. what happened to the money i left last week to buy the sawdust? gosh. bank today. queues. flip and a christmas tree! i forgot to buy crackers in nairobi. the horses distracted me. washing dishes on christmas day. i don't want to do that. i don't want a mess. the year ahead slides in front of me. already holiday times are being filled without my wanting them. people coming at easter. my father's 80th in july. august is free. yes august is my slot. august is it. august dreams. i close my eyes tightly trying to dream how august will be. sometimes it scares me. school starts in two weeks. must read hamlet. first born has his checkpoint mock exams as soon as school opens. he's rubbish in maths. i must help him. must get old papers. i don't want to go to town and do the shopping. i want to ride. but someone's got to do the shopping. buy the crackers.

i squeeze my eyes shut. i want to squeeze my mind shut. i want to dream the pictures of my august heart. a mosquito whines silver lines around it and my eyes snap open. my feet are sticky. it's too hot to sleep. it's hopeless. so, oh bestests, here i am.

the cat sits quietly at the window, as still as stone, staring into the inky darkness which is imperceptibly changing into dawn. or is it? i cannot see the outline of the hill yet, or the spiky whistling thorns. not yet. not yet.

A black eyed dog he called at my door
The black eyed dog he called for more
A black eyed dog he knew my name
A black eyed dog he knew my name
A black eyed dog
A black eyed dog.

I'm growing old and I wanna go home
I'm growiing old and I don't wanna know
I'm growing old and I wanna go home.

A black eyed dog he called at my door
A black eyed dog he called for more. - nick drake

kitchen board: sometime in december: ngorobob hill:

this board is rubbish. i shall immediately add:
1 truckload of sawdust.
2 tubes of terramycin.
bank
fix cushions (this is still on list from last year if you recall)
2 boxes of crackers.
1 pocket baby potatoes
a large bunch of mint.
1 jar cranberry sauce
countless christmas pies.
1 quiet mind.
oh god.

toodely y'all. bisous X.X.X. crumpled sleepy ones. x j

7 comments:

Will said...

Yes yes, stuff seems at angles and ends, especially during the winter solstice period. Tho I've been sleepless for at least a decade, maybe longer.

Janelle said...

hah will...sleepless in seattle?? thanks for popping by. x j

Mama Shujaa said...

A real tree? Must be some special crackers from Nairobi. Hope you can catch a few winks soon. Merry Christmas!
Mama Shujaa.

connie said...

Never heard of 'pocket of potatoes'. Still love the Bombay Sapp.

Lori ann said...

dear janelli,
i do remember (not so long ago) having too much to do too and not enough time to do it, now my kids are all flown the nest, and even though i still work full time, things are a lot different.
i think maybe it'll be the same for you. i hope 'august' comes sooner.

christmas cakes and gin sound like a good end way to end off the year.

Cheers love.
xxx

Mud in the City said...

And a very merry (even more merry if the gin turns up) Christmas to you! Deep, festively deep, in frezing snow and dark, dark nights over here. And just utterly shocked that 2010 is almost over!

Family Affairs said...

Loving the board and requirements for cigarettes and alcohol - but who is Genny and why does she need servicing (I hope that's not Craig's job) Lx