Friday, February 10, 2012

a rat tale.

i've been busy trying to slow down time people and it's no easy task, as y'all know.
for fear of boring you, oh random but worthy reader, with tales of hot classrooms, in which i have been kept prisoner, i shall instead lambaste you with tails of another kind.

mid week. school day. routine. up and at 'em. stumble downstairs with a sleepy mashed potato head. with thick fingers i put on the kettle and slice the bread, reminding myself of granny martha's wise and true advice "let the knife do the cutting" only after demolishing the first slice into a crumpled (or rather crumbled) ball and the loaf into a diamond shape. stumble back to bedrooms and en route, catch my reflection and give self fright. berate myself for doing nothing about it but remember that it's all rather too late. continue to harangue myself with mum's "it's no use crying over spilled milk" and other irrationalities like the children are starving in somalia and isn't life a blast you lucky lucky person while i shout " rise and shine. rise and shine" to my sleeping army who shout back "stop shouting ma!" i soon realize that i am becoming not the sweaty German man but rather Dahl's Mrs Twit.
shuffle back to kitchen, carefully avoiding any encounters with reflection, light a cigarette and watch the kettle wondering why it hasn't boiled yet. second born stomps in. i growl " check the toast" and realize he can't get to the oven (we don't own a toaster) because i am rooted to the spot staring at the kettle and Thinking Things. so i open it. he says, "it isn't ready ma." i continue, smugly, " oh but i think it is. it LOOKS like it isn't but on closer inspection you'll find that it is." whilst leaning down to poke it and demonstrate a self righteous wisdom to second born, i see a grey frilly thing lying below the toast on the lower level. i am not wearing my glasses. so i say to second born "what's that?" he says matter of factly, "it's a rat." i say "no. no! Oh. My. God."
its tail was curled and crispy and its incisors exposed in a toasty, deathly grin. it was very dead. and i promise you, oh bestests, it wasn't there when i put the toast in. who will believe Mrs Twit then?
we ate the toast, with long teeth. you can eat anything with nutella.
even the cat refused toasted ratatouille for breakfast.
cats these days just aren't what they used to be.

Kitchen Board: a few days ago just after The Rat Incident: Feb 2012

thank you pam, for your ratastic contribution to the kitchen board.
toodely ole toot, oh bestests, and bisous X.X.X. jump in your arms there's a rat in the oven ones x. j


Nicola said...

There's a rat in the kitchen... Well, at least you didn't find it in the bread, as some mythical story doing the rounds over at these parts, is - man bought bread at Tesco and found rat tail. Probably alongside the finger in the coke bottle...
I hate rats. Dead or alive.
Nice that's you're back, Janelle. You have been missed. Try not to make us wait so long!!

Elizabeth said...

Last year the oven puffed weird black smoke and we weren't cooking anything
djinns maybe.

then the smell
which we couldn't find
smelly smelly and daughter visiting

discovered mouse had eaten through electric wire and expired somewhere we couldn't find it

ended up having to buy new stove

at least it wasn't a rat


Mud said...

Roast rat is a delicacy around here - you'll find yourself being feted as a chef!

Val said...

ugh rats in the kitchen - toasted rat is an improvement on decomposing rat in the back of the stove where you cant reach it. Rats are usually so smart. perhaps he ate so many toast crumbs he couldnt get back out the hole? hehe; love the kitchen board xx

Robyn said...

oh so funny (although horrid-eeek)-a busy week in the routine of life needs a tail(!) like that.

Ps- love the board-full of sport. half term could not come sooner...

Amanda said...

good lord - that would be a most grotesque surprise first thing in the morning (or anytime for that matter ;-)

no, cats are not what they used to be (but yours is a good looking fella) ...we had one that actually sprayed in our toaster oven (not even nutella could fix that)

btw i think you're missing a couple sports on that kitchen board! with all that activity and rats in the oven to boot, sounds like you could use a good ole vacation janelle dear~

Sherry O'Keefe said...

i went through some stretches where i (apparently)would say unto the kidlins "you are tearing me apart" (meaning-i couldn't be everywhere and everything to everyone at once) and now the kidlins somehow recall those times fondly. the only route out: to be you no matter what and it seems to me this is how we also get spread thin, for a bit of time.... i still remember the rat turd poured out into a cereal bowl at the breakfast table from a box of cheerios. and throwing halloween caramels at mice sleeping on the kitchen floor (death by caramel, turns out).

x to you m'dear j-


Celeste said...

Next time Janelle try roasting a chicken instead, you'll get far more meat!! :)
Never a dull moment it seems xx

Mark said...

Today's featured picture on Wiki' is of the Uluguru Mountains. I had not visited ngorobobhillhouse for a short while. As always, your latest post caused me to smile, which I was in need of...apparently. Thank u.