so i'm off to a party tonight. m (m of the silver party fame) said she was going to dress for boogying. she is such a good dresser. she always looks a million dollars. and sexy as hell. although of course she doesn't think so.
what has happened to me? i am so unsure about how i dress these days. i used to be so confident about it...is it something about being 40 ish and heading upwards, while the body heads south for winter, like you're on the cusp of um, dear god..... something...? or is it that i now lack imagination and drive - oh so comfy in my levis, white T-shirts and north stars? you know, jeez - isn't this fuschia a bit young - mutton dressing up as lamb - clang clang go the alarm bells? or is it too barbara cartland...oooergh the eye shadow? do boots really go with the fuschia kaftan? (it comes to the knees and is indian, deep YOUNG fuschia silk, and brightly embroidered...does it go with chocolate brown suede boots from cannes? with square heels? HELP - ALL COMMENTS WELCOME PLEASE) see pics above....what do you think?
its just ridiculous. i mean. when i was about 17 i used to walk around public swimming pools like an arab. with literally only my eyes revealed. now i walk around in a bikini and i could't give a shit. how did THAT happen? my boys sort of nervously say," maaaaaaaa your boobs are hanging out. i think that bikini is too small ...maaaaa..." ME: " oh stop being ridiculous rubin. honestly. its fine. its so not too small..." and wobble out of the change room into the splendid sunlight and a crowd who i assume couldn't care less either. with my two boys clearly distancing themselves from me. walking on the other side and lurking in the shade...for a bit. then they too get over it.
when i was 5 months pregnant with gabby, craig was on safari in the selous for weeks, so i decided to head for two entire weeks to zanzibar east coast (Paradise Beach Bunglows - chez Mama Saori - a terribly polite and wonderful human being). and i wore a tiny kate mossish bikini. and i was quite large. everywhere. but the boys were little then and they didn't mind. we played on the white sand under the palms .i could have written a book called " 283 Sand Castle Designs".
i even had the notorious beach boys harassing me. they MUST have been desperate. quite times. " Hey mama how about it?" i was so outraged. ME: " Look. Will you puhleeze leave me alone? can't you see i couldn;t be less interested? now buggar off and leave me alone. i could be your MOTHER!" everyday after that they would ride by on their yamaha, stoned, rasta hair flying, and shout out " Jambo Kali Mama! Don't be so kali mama...mwah mwah..." ah, whatever....those weeks were bliss. i lay on a hammock and ate coconuts all day, ate fish and sea weed soup and piles of fruit. ... me my boys and the butterfly in my tummy.the big fat butterfly in my tummy...!
if craig was here he would tell me - if the pink and brown and the entire ensemble worked or not. he is dangerously honest - "ouf! yes. your bum looks HUUUUGE." or "hmmmm yeah - tight round the hips..." or " are you really going out in that nightie?" and i trust him. but there have been times when i have popped into the loo to check up that my face is still straight on my head, that both my eyes are looking in the same direction still and diligently noticed mascara literally half way down my cheek and my zip undone. and he hasn't said anything. remarkable.
won't be drinking tonight. the halo is getting very big and heavy. tempted by the mango vodka natasha brought back with her. it's in the deep freeze. but no. no. bad idea. bad idea.
gabby on the pink kaftan: yes you look ok mama but PULL it down!
anyway. can't be too worried. its the kaftan and the boots. here go i....
Kitchen Blackboard:Friday Evening 30 May 2008
Comments: gotta run! party time! toodely pip and love love. always