well. it happened this afternoon in the supermarket. i bumped into a certain german acquaintance (woman) in the cat food and matches aisle, and she sort of raised her eye-brows and said," Hmmm, belly?" eyeing me below the waist. she said it almost straight away. funny that. now that i think of it. there weren't really any pleasanteries or normal greetings before it. it was just like that. "hmmm, belly?" no " hey hi! loong time! how are you how are the kids you look great fancy meeting you here god its been cold eh? how are safaris and so on and so on." it plopped straight out, dead pan, straight "hmmmm, belly?"
so i thought , "golly. this sweater really is too small and oh shit, my disgusting water bed stomache has been hanging over these jeans because they are wayeee too tight and oh my god, how embarrassing...". so i sort of smiled and pulled my sweaty sweater down, vaguely mumbling "oooergh yes hmmmmm..."
and then she said those words: " no. no. your belly. when is it due?"
OH capital full stop MY capital full stop GOD. many capital exclamation marks. bitch!
feeling exceedingly hot under the collar and clearly bursting out of my skin and clothes, i said as brightly as i could, "um. nope A actually i am just plain old fat...ahem..gulp gulp..." (and m had only just said to me in the morning over coffees and paninis that the sweater was very slimming??? well i guess my belly was hidden by the table.but still.) so i sort of mumbled something about giving up smoking and eating too much and just imagine how large i would have been if i wasn't running 5 bloody kms three times a week finishing it all off with very shrill hah hah hahs.
i think she felt embarrassed. but you can never really tell with her. and she's always been reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally slim. and blond. she sort of squirmed a teeny little bit and then said "oh but when you stand straight it doesn't look pregnant at all!" nice try. nice try. by this time we had edged along the aisle to the citronella candle section and i was barely breathing, holding my tummy in. and my arse. literally pulling myself towards myself whilst pushing the trolley. no easy feat.
we checked out together, exchanging pleasanteries, as one does along the terrible way. me feeling really quite large and sweaty by this point, and my sweater feeling really small and unbearably hot and inappropriate and me desperate for a packet of M & M's but didn't...should've but didn't - and said as i grabbed my shopping, "well. cheers A and will let you know if it's a boy or a girl."
jeez. well. i believe in instant karma. i had done precisely the same thing, not too long ago, in the butchery, to a lady i sort of know from school. a fellow parent whose name always escapes me but we wave in each other's vague direction in the car park almost every day. and i should have known better. i thought i knew a pregnant belly when i saw one. christ. i've had three of them and an obviously acute, finely tuned mother earth intuition. but still to be sure i went through the whole conversation in my head "- no don't say anything janelle! she might not be. of course she is! that just so is a pregnant belly. oooh janelle...oooh i wouldn't.. "and i went and opened by big silly mouth anyway " oh. so um. WHEN IS IT DUE?" and the laughing and the no, i am just fat. and me henceforth swallowing an entire unchewed piece of biltong with a purple face. choking to death would have been a perfect escape.
still. you've got to love the world and the way it works.
Kitchen Blackboard Monday Evening: 26 May 2008:
Contributors: Veronica, Janelle and Gabby.
Comments: GAS only item remaining on list.