Monday, September 1, 2008

a close shave...

(pic by safari craig - lake natron 2008.

the fever has gone. and so has my voice. completely.
the kids of course, love it. they say i am being so nice.
well. it's because i can't shout at them. like i normally do.
and when i do (try and shout at them) they laugh kindly at me and say i sound like a sweet little old granny. frankly, i hear the german man. remember him? oooergh.

god. it's so frustrating.

i am taking this voicelessness as a sign from the ever responsive Universe that it's time to shut the eff up and listen.

hey ho. and that's precisely what i am doing. what do i hear? what do i hear?

the wind. i hear the wind. and everybody wanting something.
how do i say it? i am in a deep blue place. a nothing place. where peoples mouths move and i don't hear the words. oh no. that's me isn't it?

the kids are back at school. i am not sure about mr shaw (for you DD), gabby's teacher. the classroom looked all dark yesterday. oh school is such a drag. it really is.

and i ALMOST started teaching again!? i had even said YES to the headmaster. on saturday (2 days before school started!?) because he is a total sweetheart. (school started yesterday being monday). the year 4 teacher from england pulled out at the last minute. the headmaster was desperate and asked me. of course i said yes. unthinkingly. i like to help out. it's in my nature.

i had a sleepless night that night. after i had said yes. disturbing images of me standing in front of a hopeful class with a pen in my hand and a finger up my nose. an empty head and an empty classroom and not a clue where to begin...where is all the stationery? the chalk? the books? what does one learn in year four..? ok class lets do yoga? and do you know that the universe really is responsive? and look where you ended up. hah! go figure... shall we start on the zen of bunking school instead then? on changing the course of your lives? did you know that school is overrated? righto. lie on the floor and let's listen to some Pink Floyd while we aimlessly wait for the end of the day "we don't need no education. we don't need no thought control blah blah blah...". well. shall we?

what the hell was i thinking????

so first thing sunday morning i phoned the headmaster and said i had had second thoughts. i absolutely had. this was very challenging for me. changing my mind. and letting him know. not easy for me. normally i would have just carried on willy nilly just to avoid letting someone down. for years. toiling away all for a boiled cabbage at the end of the month. to my hugest relief, he was completely understanding and incredibly kind.

my heart and soul did hop skips and jumps and let a million happy celebratory balloons off into their blue starlit skies. whew. that was close. that was a reeeeeeeeeally close shave.

but i say to myself, and some others, that i wimped out. and i think lots of people are secretly disappointed with me. don't you hate that?

and then afterwards, i don't know what happened. i feel blue. i am waiting for it to pass. wait wait wait wait. maybe it's because of my voice. i feel it's more of a dislocation. of sorts.

there is something familiar about this observatory distance between me and my life...looking at my life down a telescope, sort of thing. floating further and further away from it. from myself. i see myself far far across the dusty plains. there i go back to the doldrums of who is this watching me then? god. don't tell me its the, um, Germ--- aaaargh! no!
anyway. its all rather close to the surface right now. so people. bear with me.

Kitchen Board: Tuesday Morning: 2 September 2008.

Contributors: Janelle.
Comments: there is only one bulb working. its been like that for weeks. i have a block against bulbs. in the kitchen.
toodely pip and bisousbisousbisous xxx janelle


Dumdad said...

Glad to hear the fever has broken; bad luck (although not for your kids) about the voice.

Yes, it's back to school for my two children this week too. New satchels and new stuff to stuff into satchels etc.

Janelle said...

yeah. find it so blaaaaah...x janelle

Miranda said...

Ah Janella. Lets rob a bank or a rich person and go to LONDON for two weeks. Can you IMAGINE? Maybe your Rubin Hood could help us - with the robbery that is...

You are greatly loved, you know that hey? See you kesho. xxxxxxxx

Reya Mellicker said...

Breaking personal taboos is such a powerful act. Speaking your mind in a situation where you would ordinarily carry on as if everything was fine was such a taboo smasher that you lost your voice?


Keep breathing. You have taken a big step - beautifully empowering, though temporarily unsettling. As we say in the U.S. - you GO girl!!

Reya Mellicker said...

I think you and Miranda should rob a bank or rich person and come to the U.S. for two weeks. We could meet in NYC??

Or ... as long as we're in fantasy-land, I, too, will rob a bank or rich person and meet you in London.

I love that idea.

john.g. said...

Surely you can SHOUT on a computer?

Janelle said...

ah thanks reya! and yes mo lets! ok when? kesho? x


tut-tut said...

Oh, it's so hard to say that NO, after being put in the corner of YES. But so empowering. Also, I can't imagine you without a voice, after hearing you singing! happy school for some time alone, but not so happy having everyone regimented, is it?

Janelle said...

exactly tut! voice is slowly coming back.and yeah school is school isn;t it? yuk. xxxj

tam said...

Oh, can I come too? To london that is. Or NYC, or BOTH! COme on girls... get your act together....

That was a big one J. I wish I was as clever and advanced as all that. I have said yes to the most inconveniently timed gig I could possibly imagine... yes, heard the words coming out my mouth "Of course I would love to do workshops at the schools festival. 5 a day? 4 days in a row? Sure!" and its ALL TOO MUCH. Except the pay. Dem.

Glad youre feeling better. I'm sure you can shout with your EYES.