Thursday, April 1, 2010

heavy things

(warning: negative, dark content.)

you'd have thought i'd know it by now. never to be excrutiatingly happy.

but it's so hard not to be. even when you know the other side of the coin isn't quite as, well, nice. and there's simply always another side to everything.

and i KNOW it isn't rocket science, ok? but:

bad things always happen afterwards. they just do, in my experience. look what happened to baby jesus. i mean, did he see that comin'?

i think i'm getting quite good at this death thingymabob. that fella with the dark hood, pale faced and hooked nosed, casually wearing a glinting scythe. i ain't scared of him. in fact, he has much to offer so i am discovering. he's becoming blandly familiar which i am beginning to think is a good thing.

the night up on wind torn west meru was exactly how i had described it. and boy did we scare ourselves silly. a swore she glimpsed a figure in dark nun's clothes glide past the star smattered window as i was regaling the lamu ghost story, which had followed swiftly from the zanzibar salome's ghost story. i could've vomited from fear. it's truly amazing how you can scare yourself. how you can conjure up ghosts. it's too easy.

yes. we sipped vodka and shared secrets. and listened to the wind rattling the roof and sat quietly with thoughts and dreams, our heads to one side, saying "hmmmmm" a lot. it was good. almost perfect.

quite suddenly easter is here. third born lies feverish, dosed up, watching rubbish robin hood. and i am worried about her. the fever refuses to break. it's so high it melted the chocolate bunny i gave to her to try and cheer her up. it now sits hopefully in the fridge with first and second born eyeing it with evil intentions. safari c has headed south to bury his father.

things could be better. i feel a little un - moored. (sounds better than unhinged, which quite possibly i am?) yes. un - moored. drifting. sort of tossed about. ain't nothin' new, though, is it? yes but is it? 'fess up. internal windscreen wipers are on top speed, swiping away bad, dark little thoughts. i think i rest in the in between place. waiting for the new ones to miraculously implant themselves.

(my god. b is right. blogging IS self indulgent.)

i could write about the sky at night. about how the hills fall away in relief. about histories and the godless world. about shadow puppet shows under the stars and searing red aloes on a washed out zululand winter's day. but not tonight. not tonight.

and here's the strangest thing. i believe everything about love. everything. the whole messy spaghetti bowl thing of it. still.
but by god, sometimes i hate it.

(windscreen wipers on. windscreen wipers on, windscreen wipers on. windscreen wi---)


POBOX said...

The deeper we get into life's journey the more it's understood - we have little control concerning people, places and things. Yet we still try - otherwise, chaos camps out in our heads.

Miranda said...

Ah J'nelly. Pole darlin'. Will pop over in the morning. Hope Gabby feeling better?? Biggest hugs to ya.

Janelle said...

damn straight POBOX. damn straight. thanks for comment. x j

ag moenie worrie nie skattie. more is nog 'n dag, ja? x j

PurestGreen said...

"the whole messy spaghetti bowl thing of it" - we can sift around in it, endlessless fascinated or just feeling lost. Or maybe a little of both.

Cyber hug*

ewix said...

Greetings from afar.
Isn't life tough, a bitch, tiring, exasperating, up and down and just plain gruelling sometimes.
Sometimes one wonders if it is worth it and how some people can bear it and why some people can't.

Hugs and Easter blessings and maybe a margarita or six


Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Ah, at twice your age I still believe in the love thing too... and it is messy, but when it's right it is so very good! I'm in a very good phase now and am so happy. Good thoughts to you, my dear.

Val said...

oh i hope the fever breaks soon! i know what you mean its like there ahs to be a counter balance. remember the story of that ring with the engraving This Too Shall Pass - because it all does endlessly and forever - good and bad. Sorry to hear about SC's dad.
hugs xx

Amanda said...


As a timid Cancerian, I am finally coming out of my crusty crabshell to comment. It was the ghosts in your story, I think, that finally convinced me. Or maybe it was the comment on believing in love. Either way, I love your writing. I am in Africa, along for the ride, drinking vodka, conjuring up ghosts. What better way to spend the day.

I hope your child is feeling better very soon. Sending all sorts of healing wishes your way....

Lori ann said...

i'm late here, so i'm hoping gabby is better by now? and i'm sorry to hear about your father in law.
sadness all around.

you know this janelle, the one thing in life we can count on is nothing stays the same. so the good and the bad come and go, come and go, and we go on. and i think this too, everything will be okay in the end. and if it's not okay, it's not the end.
we can think what we want right?
sending love (that doesn't change),

Angela said...

When my own young daughter once had bad fever, I put socks on her feet (I had this advice from a book)and filled a bathtub with cold water and said, you must sit in here for a while, it will break your fever. She, hot and feverish and all, said, You first! So I did, and then she after me - and it helped! (Me, I never did it again... my teeth were shattering like mad) I am sending all my blessings!

Mud in the City said...

I've been trying to comment for days but my laptop has been cross!

Janelle - you can feel the ecstacies and the depths because you have a big wide heart for loving. It is a blessing and a curse and a rollercoaster, but, knowing what you do about the wonder and the beauty of life, you wouldn't want to be caged by the narrow mindedness of a closed heart, insulated from both pain and love?


karen said...

Hi Janelle, hoping things feel a bit more cheerful once more, and that the fever is a thing of the past. A spaghetti bowl - yes! Sending you warm wishes from further south x

tam said...

I'm sorry Janelle. Love you.

Karen said...

Thank you for this! Don't feel too indulgent...

What a great image--internal windscreen (windshield, we would say) wipers. Yes, that's what I need. Swipe it away, keep things clear, let me continue on my way...

I'm right there with ya, sister--I believe every sappy thing about love I've ever heard, and I even know it to be true. And yet here I am, in the dark, hoping the wipers work...


Spiny Marshmallow said...

Thats why I like your blog so much. The love, the scary, the rollercoasters - we all have to have the ecstatic ups and the dreaded downs and you write them out so well - great imagery. I admire it stax and wish I could do that. I think INDULGENT (??!) writing is fabulous and I LOVE to read about feelings and reactions to things instead of papered-over stories where nothing lurks beneath.